She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
