He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
