Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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