I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
