i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
