I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
