I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
