am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
