i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
