You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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