Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
