Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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