the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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