why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
