It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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