True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
