People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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