My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
