I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
