my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
