so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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