Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
operation have a gay friend backfired
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
