I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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