I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
