Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
