the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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