I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
