Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
