I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
