all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
this boner is exhausting
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
