I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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