just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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