apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
