only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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