The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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