All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
