Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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