my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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