I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
