Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
