i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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