did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
