I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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