it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
