i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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