life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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