I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
