what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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