I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
