You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
